Category Archives: jokes

Downturn Effects: Somali Pirates to Acquire Citigroup

Another hilarious email doing the rounds!

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin

 November 20 (Bloom berg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup. 

  The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

 “You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

 The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden . Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”

 Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”

 CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

 *WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

 *SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

 *PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF

 *KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ‘

 *Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

 *HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’ PARTICPATION                                               

 *SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK            

 *FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

 * FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES

Downturn Effects: New HR designations

Ok, I got this over the email, so it’s not an original piece of work. If this has been put together by you, or by someone you know, insert the name in the comments.

So post the downturn here’s the latest HR designations that your firm can take up!

 

Chief – Head Roller

HR Executive -temporary

HR Executive – permanently temporary

HR Executive – mass layoffs

HR Executive – situationally exploitative removals

Separation Consultant

HOD – Manpower Retrenchment Planning (MRP)

HOD – Mass Emotional Shock Handling (MESH)

HOD – Mass Communicator- Bad News

HOD – Pseudo Promotion

  

Head – HR (RR) – Human Resource (Recrutiment & Removal)

Head – HR (HR) – Human Resource (Hire & Remove)

 Head- HR (ER) – Human Resource (Engage & Remove)

Rajnikant Jokes

Got another set of jokes over mail:

Rajanikanth makes onions cry.

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …on a piano.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.

Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult. 

Jokes related to the Sydney test

Definition of “Bucknored”

Bucknor: (n) (adj.): Temporary blindness leading to
missing out on the obvious. To be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Situations leading to grave judgemental errors.

(usage) “I feel bucknored by my boss !” or “The
wrong employee gets the boot – because of a wrong input of Employee Code in ERP
– You have been bucknored !” or “Life often throws a series of bucknors at you.
It’s upto you to duck the bucknors”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After watching the
test match, someone has written some rules have to be incorporated by ICC to
give the other teams a perfect clarification

 
(1)  
 
Ricky
Ponting – (THE TRULY GENUINE CRICKETER OF THE CRICKET ERA AND WHOSE INTEGRITY
SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED
) should be considered
as the FOURTH UMPIRE. As per the
new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision
is final and will over ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek the assistance of
RICKY PONTING even if he is not on
the field. This rule is to be made, so that every team should understand the
importance of the FOURTH
UMPIRE
.

 
(2)  
 
While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball
flies anywhere close to the AUSTRALIAN
FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance)
, the batsman is to be considered
OUT irrelevant of whether the
catch was taken cleanly or grassed. Any decision for further clarification
should be seeked from the FOURTH
UMPIRE
. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with
SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the
teams.

 
(3)  
 
While BATTING, AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the
ON-FIELD UMPIRE decisions only
(even if the catch goes to the FIFTH
SLIP
as the ball might not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES (minimum) before he can return
to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER
WITH INTEGRITY
, this can be higher.

 
(4)  
 
UMPIRES should consider a
huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player
scores a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge
bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team and board.


 
(5)  
 
All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep
commenting about all players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they
will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in any
other language are to be considered as RAC
ISM only.

 
(6)  
 
MATCH
REFREE
decisions will be
taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN
TEAM
advice only. Player views from the other teams decisions will
not be considered for hearing. MATCH
REFREES
are to be given huge bonus if this rule is
implemented.

 
(7)  
 
NO
VISITING TEAM
should plan to win in
AUSTRALIA.
This is to ensure that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.

 

(8)  
 
THE
MOST IMPORTANT RULE
: If any bowler gets
RICKY PONTING – “THE UNDISPUTED CRICKETER
WITH INTEGRITY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET”
more than twice in a series,
he will be banned for the REST OF THE
SERIES
. This is to ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be
played to break records and create history in the game of CRICKET.

 
These rules will
clarify better to the all the teams VISITING
AUSTRALIA
.

 

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Governmentium

Hilarious joke (hat tip: Supreet Singh)

New Element:

Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a  new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay, but
instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually
increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many
morons.