Downturn Effects: Somali Pirates to Acquire Citigroup


Another hilarious email doing the rounds!

Somali Pirates in Discussions to Acquire Citigroup

By Andreas Hippin

 November 20 (Bloom berg) — The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup. 

  The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.

 “You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.

 The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden . Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.

Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”

 Shandu added, “We don’t call ourselves pirates. We are coastguards and this will just allow us to guard our coasts better.”

 CITI IN TALKS WITH SOMALI PIRATES FOR POSSIBLE CAPITAL INFUSION

 *WILL REQUIRE ALL CITI EMPLOYEES TO WEAR PATCH OVER ONE EYE

 *SOMALIAN PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

 *PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF

 *KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ‘

 *Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA

 *HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’ PARTICPATION                                               

 *SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK            

 *FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK

 * FED AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI PIRATES

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About Gautam

Gautam is a HR professional interested in how emerging technologies are impacting work, careers and organizations.

Posted on November 25, 2008, in jokes and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I wanted to but I then realised the Indian Navy blew up a Thai Fishing trawler.I want to sort that out with the Indian Navy and the Thai people but I can’t go to Thailand because the airport is closed.

    Read my experience with Shivraj patil’s answering machine Instead.

    http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/

  2. Why don’t you post about that, Rakesh?

  3. See I knew about this because the Somali Pirates contacted me to fund their buy of Citigroup.The PRBS will be launched with my help in India.

    The pirates also wanted me to takeover Citi’s Indian operations because the guys who were supposed to do it were blown up by the INS Tabar in the Gulf Of Aden.

    I’ve once again been screwed by the Indian Navy.

  4. VERY funny. I didn’t remember seeing any evidence of a national sense of humor when I’ve been in India, but then I didn’t make it to Delhi. A very strong, very funny parody. Thanks for the laugh.

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